SE6 The Corbett Estate, Catford

Hello people,

In the early part of the last century, a wealthy man – let’s call him Steve – purchased a small section of South East London from the Abbey of Ghent. The land had two distinguishing features:

1)      a shallow river ran through it, and

2)      it had a large population of wild cats.

Because of this the area became known as ‘Shallow River with lots of cats town.’ Steve loved the location, hated the name. So he paid a consultancy firm to come up with a new one that would be:

1)      shorter,

2)      edgy, and

3)      more likely to attract young professionals to the area.

The name they came up with was Catford, deriving from the Viking word 'ford' meaning shallow-river, and the English word 'cat' meaning cat. Steve loved it, and the name has stuck ever since.

Catford is a wonderful place. The people of South East London are so proud of it, that they erected a large fiberglass statue of a cat in the shopping arcade to honour the district. It is no exaggeration to say that the Catford Cat is probably London’s best known monument, after Monument at Monument, and perhaps Nelsons Column.

Like most children, when I was a small child I believed the Catford Cat would come alive at night and have exciting adventures, but these days I’m not so sure. I’ve been sitting on top of the Catford Cat for almost 7 hours now, and the most exciting thing that’s happened so far is when a drunk man staggered out of the Weatherspoons across the road, and fell into a bush.

However, being this high up does give me a good view of the Corbett Estate; which stretches back to Hither Green. The Corbett Estate was developed by Archibald Corbett between 1885-1911. It’s a fine collection of Victorian houses, churches and parks. Archibald Corbett was a Liberal MP for Glasgow who inherited his father’s successful property development business. He bought the land after the completion of Hither Green Train Station, which meant his tenants could easily get into central London. He was able to get the train company to lower their ticket prices by loaning them £3,400 to build a more convenient entrance.

Torringdon Road SE6 in 1910

The original entrance was a thin beam you had to run across while TFL staff fired a water cannon at you. This led to a travellator you had to run up, followed by a zip wire you slid down over a lake filled with piranhas, and then finally onto your platform.

Archie was a committed temperance reformer, and so he banned the sale of alcohol on the estate.  That’s why there are so few pubs in the estate today. However, Catford has never gone in for all that prohibition nonsense. The Goose on the Green – formerly known as the Black Horse and Harrow – has been getting its punters plastered since the 1700’s. Karl Marx is said to have enjoyed a vodka and coke in their when he was living in London, and just across the road is the Catford Constitutional Club which is a great place to  get a pint of real ale, cider of craft beer.

Now I come to think of it I could really do with a pint, so I’m off.

Now how am I supposed to get down from this giant Cat?


http://catfordconstitutionalclub.com/
http://thecorbettsociety.org.uk/

Dulwich Picture Gallery SE21

Hello People,

Last Sunday I visited the Dulwich Picture Gallery SE21 with Rosie, my beautiful wife. Dulwich is also beautiful, and very wealthy. Because of this, I decided to wear a monocle and top hat so as to not stand out too much. The first thing I saw as we walked through the main gate was group of friends sitting outside the Gallery, sipping Prosecco and playing cards. I nodded to them as we walked past, and they stared at me wide eyed and open mouthed. Maybe the top hat was a bit much.

Dulwich Picture Gallery Garden

Rosie visited the Dulwich Picture Gallery when she was 8 years old, and she was so impressed with it that when she returned home, she told her parents that one day she would work in a museum herself. Rosie works for the British Museum now, keeping the mummies entertained when they come alive at night. Or something like that.

Rose told me all about how the old masters had to create their paints from scratch. Using plants and ground up insects to experiment with colours. So I said, “Why didn’t they just buy the paint from B&Q?”

“Because there was no B&Q” she replied.

“Fascinating”

We walked a little further, and I asked, “Rose, how did the Dulwich Picture Gallery come to exist?”  And this is what she told me.

“The story of Dulwich Picture Gallery is one of passion and chance. It begins with a man called Edward Alleyn – Ned to his friends – who lived from 1566-1626. Ned was one of the greatest stage actors who ever lived. He starred in three plays by Phillip Marlow – it’s believed that Marlow created the parts especially for him. When he retired from acting - at the height of his fame in 1598, Queen Elizabeth is said to have requested he return to the stage. If he was alive today he almost certainly would have had a spell as Doctor Who – he was that good. Sadly we will never get to see old Ned tread the boards, although Ben Affleck did portray him in the film ‘Shakespeare in Love.’ So until we have Red Dwarf style hologram technology, that’ll have to do.

Edward Alleyn

Ned became a rich man, and in 1617 he bought Dulwich Manor, and founded what was to become Dulwich College. When he died, he left all his art-work to the college. Over time the collection steadily grew until 1795, when our story takes a bit of a twist.

In 1790 two London Art dealers, Noel Desenfans and Sir Francis Bourgeouis were commissioned by the King of Poland to form a royal collection. Noel and Francis spent the next five years travelling around Europe buying art, and building a collection that any Polish King would be proud of. Sadly for them, before they could flog their fancy pictures, the King abdicated and left them massively out of pocket. To make things worse, Noel and Francis were very particular about who they sold the collection too. They wanted to be certain the art went to the right home, so in the end they decided to keep, and add to it. In 1807 Noel died, and left all the collection to Francis. In 1811 he died and, on the advice of his friend John Kemble (another famous actor), he left the collection to Dulwich College on the condition that the works were to be displayed in a new gallery constructed by his friend, the famous architect, John Soane .

Francis left £2,000 for the building of the gallery and his widow Margaret donated a further £4,000. Although this was a very generous amount, it was not enough for Soane to build the gallery. Soane cut costs where he could, such as making all his students work on the project for free. And what he produced is considered to be one of the finest examples of gallery architecture in Britain. And so Dulwich picture Gallery was born, and it became the first public art gallery in England.”

Dulwich Picture Gallery

When she had finished speaking, I said,

 “Wow, you know a lot about history. And you laid it all out in such a clear way. So Dulwich is the town that gave art to the masses?”

“That’s right.” she replied.

And with that I threw off my top hat. Grabbed the monocle from my eye, and smashed it on the floor*, they were symbols of an elitism in art that I now know no longer exists, and all thanks to Dulwich. With a little help from a few famous actors, architects and art lovers along the way.

“Why did you do that?” Rose asked.

“Symbolism. Come on Rose, let’s get some Prosecco.”

Come visit the Gallery, to see some masterpieces, or learn to draw for yourself.

http://www.dulwichpicturegallery.org.uk/

*I had to clean up the glass before leaving the gallery.

SE9 Eltham Palace

Hello People,

Today I have come to Eltham Palace SE9. Regular readers may have noticed this is my second palace in as many weeks, but I can’t help it, I just love palaces. In fact I recently dug a small moat and painted the fence outside the front of my flat royal blue, in homage to the palaces of south east London, but that’s enough about ‘The–Grand-Blue-Palace-in-the-Red-Valley’ Flat at number 26B’, back to Eltham.

For such a seemly ordinary town, Eltham has had some real stars; Boy George, Bob Hope, Frankie Howerd, Christian from EastEnders  - all the greats grew up in Eltham. Kate Bush even lived here for a while too. Legend has it that Kate’s classic song, ‘Running up that Hill’ was written about a Friday night in Eltham. One night she was so hungry, she ran from the Tudor Barn Pub all the way up to the McDonalds on the corner of the hill for a Fillet O’ Fish and a Fanta. The rest was music history.

Eltham Palace was given to King Edward II by the Bishop of Durham in 1305 and it remained a royal residence for the next two centuries. One of its most famous royal residents was Henry VIII who grew up in the palace. I can just imagine a young Henry queuing up to buy his pick ‘n’ mix in the Woolworths halfway up the high street on a Saturday afternoon before heading to the old Well Hall Coronet. It must have been an idyllic childhood.

By all accounts Henry was a dashing young prince in his day, but as we all know, he died a hairy fat bloke with syphilis. Sadly Eltham Palace didn’t age much better.  After the 16^th century it slowly fell into decline and then ruin. It remained that way until the 1930s when the new building was constructed on the existing site, incorporating the Great Hall. It was then that the Courtauld family moved in, and everything changed, for the better,

Stephen Courtauld had cleverly made his fortune at a young age by being born into a wealthy family. After serving in WWI and winning a Military Cross, Stephen –  an enthusiastic mountaineer – decided to climb Mont Blanc in the French Alps. It was there that he met Virginia Nee Peirano, the woman he was to marry.

The Courtaulds

On their return from their honeymoon Clubbing in Faliraki, Stephen and Virginia leased Eltham Palace from the crown commissioners in 1936. They gutted it and filled it with the kind of 1930’s glamour that would have made the Great Gatsby’s house look like a Butlin’s chalet.  

The happy couple shared their new home with Jongy – their pet Lemur. Jongy was loved by Stephen and Virginia so much they installed a pole from his Madagascar-themed bedroom down into the kitchen, and they allowed him to roam the house as he pleased. However, Jongy didn’t get on with everyone that visited the palace. In fact he took such a dislike to one guest he caused the delay of the 1930s British Arctic Expedition (which the Courtaulds had sponsored) by severing the wireless operator’s artery.  When he wasn’t trying to kill arctic explorers he was a good pet, and the three of them seemed to have been a very happy family.

Jongy

The 1930s décor and Jongy’s bedroom are still there for you see, as is the beautiful garden and moat. It’s a great way to spend an afternoon and I recommend you go see it while the sun is still shinning.

SE1 The Lambeth Palace

Hello people,

Today I have come to SE1 to visit Lambeth Palace, the London residency of the Archbishop of Canterbury.  I had always assumed that the Archbishop of Canterbury lived in Lambeth because the further he got from Canterbury the stronger his religious powers became, similar to Superman and his home planet Krypton. Now I know that is not the case.

Lambeth Palace

The very first Archbishop of Canterbury was a Roman Catholic called St Augustine. He was sent here by Pope Gregory the Great to Christianise Britain in 595. After successfully converting south east England, he struggled with the people of London. His reasons for this can be found in his letters to the Pope, in which he complained about London’s ‘ridiculous house prices’, and that he and his men found ‘commuting in to be real a pain in the arse.’ He ended his correspondence to P Grego the G (which was St Augustine’s pet nickname for Pope Gregory the Great) by stating that although he was, and always would be the Pope's and Rome’s faithful servant, he found the whole conversion of the Britons to be ‘a bit of a faff.’

Pope Gregory was furious. He hated being called P Grego the G, and really wanted to expand his franchise into the UK. But Pope Gregory was also mindful of the fact the St Augustine was already a Saint, and he was just a Pope, so he decided not to rock the boat.  So Canterbury in Kent is where St Augustine stayed, and we’ve had an Archbishop of Canterbury, be he Roman Catholic or Anglican, ever since.

One of the interesting things about Lambeth Palace, and there are many, is that there is no one Lambeth Palace - it’s made up of a number of buildings. The first was built in the 13th century for Archbishop Stephen Langton. Langton needed a London base as he was helping draw up a contract of peace between King John of England and some powerful Land Barons he’d wound up. That contract by the way was the Magna Carter - the first ever document designed to protect the rights of the people against the English Monarchy - so well done Stephen.

Lambeth Palace

All of the Archbishops of Canterbury that have followed Stephen Langton have resided in his London house, adding buildings, extensions, and making alterations. The last major work to the Palace was the addition of a residential wing in 1833, after which the reigning monarch Queen Victoria must have decided that enough of her and her ancestors' dough had been spent pimping the place up. These days the best house warming gift a new Archbishop of Canterbury can hope for is a pot plant, some IKEA vouchers, and a welcome mat if his King or Queen is feeling particular flush.

The thing I like best about the Lambeth Palace is that it’s more than a monument to the institutions of the past. It was, and still is, a home. And there are little stories of the past archbishops who lived there everywhere. Take for example the last Catholic Archbishop Cardinal Pole. He had been in exile from England after speaking out against King Henry VIII for divorcing Catherine of Aragon. After Henry’s death he returned, and bought a fig tree back with him, which he planted in the courtyard, and remains there to this day. 

Cardinal Pole's Fig Tree

Or the story of Matthew Parker, Archbishop of Canterbury 1559-1575, he earned the nick name 'Nosey' from his endless curiosity about church affairs, and his love of religious literature, and that's where the phrase 'Nosey Parker' comes from. Nosey was the first Archbishop to marry. According to Wikipedia (best History book ever by the way) Queen Elizabeth did not approve of Nosey's wife and was openly rude to her, but in a really posh and snooty way. After one visit to Lambeth, the Queen is said to have asked how she should address her, "Madam I may not call you; mistress I am ashamed to call you; and so I know not what to call you." What a bitch.

I could tell you a hundred stories like this but I recommend you hear them from the professionals, like I did. We got our tour from Beryl*,and she has spent years studying the Lambeth Palace, and is a master story teller. Tours of the Lambeth Palace are given every Thursday and Friday, which you can book online.
http://www.archbishopofcanterbury.org/pages/visit-lambeth-palace.html

But that's enough from me, so till next week, ta la.

Beryl - a great tour guide

*Beyrl's facts on Lambeth Palace may differ from mine slightly, especially the whole P Greggo the G bit.

SE18 Fairly Tall Ships

Hello People

A few weeks ago I headed to the Woolwich Arsenal to see the Tall Ships festival, a celebration of the largest fleet of tall ships to visit the Thames in 25 years, it sounded amazing and I couldn't wait to see it. However I was a little concerned that having so many tall ships in one small area of the Thames would cause the waters to rise, and the Woolwich Arsenal would be flooded, creating panic, devastation, and totally ruining my new boat shoes. So I popped into the Thames Barrier Museum, a little way down the road before hand, just to put my mind at ease. Once there, for the reasonable price of £3.50, I was able to learn all about how the Thames Barrier works. At the end of the tour there was a noticeboard stating that the Barrier will be able to protect London from flooding till 2070, when Global Warming will have raised the sea levels by 12mm, and attacks from alien battleships will be a daily occurrence. I took out my note pad and pencil to perform a few calculations; just to put my mind at ease that Charles Draper, the Engineer who devised the design of the Thames Barrier, had done his sums properly. Once satisfied I continued on towards Royal Woolwich Arsenal and the tall ships.

Along the way I walked through Woolwich Dockyard, an area less wealthy then the Woolwich Arsenal, but no less rich in history. For example, everybody knows that King Henry the VIII had six wives, he killed the first two, divorced the third, snogged the fourth, married the fifth, and avoided the last one, and that’s where we get the game from. But less people know that it was Henry who founded the Woolwich Dockyard in 1512. After pissing off France, Spain, Italy and the Pope by inventing his own religion, Henry became concerned that it all might kick off, so he thought it wise to build a dockyard close to the Tower of London where all his ships could be quickly equipped with cannons and artillery should the need arise. The dockyard is the second oldest in Britain (Plymouth being the oldest).

Woolwich Dockyard by George Milton

There are no ships being built in the Woolwich Dockyard anymore, but there is the beautiful Grade II listed Woolwich Clockhouse built between 1870-1879 to accommodate the Admiralty Superintendents offices, nowadays the Clockhouse is a community centre.

Woolwich Clockhouse

As I continued towards the Thames Path I came upon what appeared to be an episode of Holby City, a man was lying unconscious on the steps to the Thames, a woman was standing next to him, and about ten to fifteen children were circling them on their bikes. I found out from the woman, whose name was Haley by the way, that she had already called an ambulance, and was waiting with him till it came. We stared at the poor guy for a while, his chest was moving up and down so he was clearly breathing ok.

Me “We should put him in the recovery position.”

Haley “Good idea”

Me “Do you know it”

Haley “No, I’m afraid I don’t”

Me “Neither do I”

Haley “Probably best we leave it then”

I liked Haley, she was clearly good people, as were the kids, they were just as keen to help out in their own way, they tried to wake the unconscious man, let’s call him Trevor, by occasionally shouting things at him, like “Wake up! You’re sleeping on the steps bruv!” or “Are you dead mate?” One boy tried to stir Trevor into consciousness by playing Justin Beiber to him from his phone, as I sat on those steps having to listen to Justin Bieber, I must admit a became a little envious of Trevor. One girl told Haley and me that she wanted to be a nurse when she was older; when the Paramedic arrived she asked him a thousand and one questions, “What does that do?” What are you testing for?” My favourite though was

Girl “Are you going to put a plaster on him”

Paramedic “No because I can’t see any bleeding”

Girl “He may be bleeding internally”

No one is born with knowledge, it’s acquired through passion and being lucky enough to have a good teacher. I have no doubt, if that young girl gets a good teacher; she will go on to do great things. The Paramedic took great care of Trevor, and answered all of our questions with good humour. He assured us that Trevor would be ok, and with that we took our leave. I said good bye to my new friends, and moved on feeling lucky to have been able to get to know them.

When I finally arrived at the Woolwich Arsenal fun was to be had everywhere, people sat outside the Dial Arch pub enjoying a drink in the sunshine, the Dial Arch is my favourite pub, and I could tell you some great facts about it, as I could the rest of the Royal Arsenal, but that will have to be another story for another time. Because as I walked through the Arsenal with its beautiful and expensive flats, and as I passed through the revellers and the performers and the musicians, and as I looked out at those magnificent tall ships on the Thames, all I could think about was the people I had met in the Woolwich Dockyard. Haley, the Paramedic, the girl with dreams of becoming a nurse, the boy with Justin Bieber on his phone. And that’s why today’s story is not about Grand ships, but about quiet heroes. And the quiet hero I have chosen this week is… the Woolwich Ferry.

Tall Ships

The Woolwich Ferry carries one million vehicles and two and a half million passengers a year, it was officially opened in 1889 but a ferry service has operated across the river at Woolwich since at least the 14^th century. There are three ferries in the fleet, each named after prominent local politicians who did much to improve the conditions of the working class, John Burns, James Newman, and Ernest Bevin, and it’s free. There may be nothing grand about the Woolwich Ferry, but we’d miss it if it went.

Quite Tall Ship - The Woolwich Ferry 

I’m writing this blog sitting on the lower deck of the Woolwich Ferry, eating a tuna and mayonnaise sandwich I bought from the Thames Barrier Café, wearing a sailor’s hat I made at home, and gently humming Land of hope and Glory to myself. I do not feel any shame in saying that adrenaline surges through my body as this mighty vessel cuts through the water, making the long 0.4km journey from Woolwich South to Woolwich North. This must be how Shakleton felt as he sailed the Endurance towards the Artic, the only difference being that I’ll be home in time for dinner, and I might get a few episode of the walking dead in before bed.

God Bless Woolwich Dockyard and God bless the Woolwich Ferry, and all who sail in her. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to book some First Aid lessons.

SE16 Dr Salters Memorial

Hello People

Today I’m outside the Angel in Rotherhithe, the Angel is one of my favourite pubs, they serve a nice stout, it has a long history dating back to the 19th century, and is a great stopping point for a pub crawl along the Thames. However I won’t be learning about the Angel today; I only popped in there for a pint.

Next to the Angel are the ruins of a Manor House built for King Henry III in 1350, its unclear what the house was used for, but one popular theory, is that it was a great location for King Henry III to practise Falconry. Falconry is much less popular around South East London now then it was in King Henry III's day, I guess people got fed up with falcons swooping down on them as they sat in traffic on Jamaica Road, and lifting small children off their bikes as they cycle around Southwark Park.

But I’m not here to learn about that Henry III house, don’t get me wrong I love falconry as much as the next man, but the ruin is a little bit boring, it’s just a wall with some grass growing over it.

Unlike Henry III I never had a pet Falcon, but I did have lots of pet goldfish when I was a child, which my Uncle Ned won for me at the Southwark Park Fun Fair, in a game where you throw darts at playing cards scattered along the floor. If you successfully hit one of the cards, you won a goldfish; it was the Darts World Championship of its day.  Ned was great at darts, and I was so grateful to him for winning me my first pet, I named the Gold-fish Cathy, after his girlfriend. Ned married Cathy the girlfriend, sadly Cathy the gold-fish didn’t last as long, she died a few days later. Ned went back to the fair and won me many a Cathy the goldfish that summer,  and I looked after the Cathy’s well, I fed them, cleaned their tank, but sadly they never survived long in that little goldfish bowl in our flat in Bermondsey. I of course will never know why they all died, but I suspect it was suicide, I guess they just missed the bright lights of the fair.

Southwark park is well worth a visit, opened in 1869 and covering 25 hectares, it has an art gallery, a sports centre, a lake, football pitches, a bowling green and some beautiful gardens, not least the Ada Salter rose garden, built in 1936 by her husband Alfred Salter and attributed to her after she died. It also boasts London's first public memorial to honour a working class man; a drinking fountain to commemorate Mr Jabez West, a member of a local Temperance Society.

Ada Salter's Rose Garden

Drinking fountain to commemorate Mr Jabez West

But I’m not here to talk to you about the Southwark Park Fun Fair either, although we are getting close with talk of the Salters and public memorials.

No I’m here to find a statue of an old man sitting on a park bench. I remember it from when I was a child. I’ve always wondered why it was there, and who the old man was. People don’t tend to get statues for sitting on benches and waving, statues are for soldiers, politicians and old Arsenal football players. People who did great things and committed brave acts, the bravest thing you can do on bench is feed some ducks.

After 31 years now I finally know why someone made a statue of an old man sitting on a bench, and it’s one of the most inspiring and heart-breaking stories I've ever heard. The statue commemorates a man called Dr Alfred Salter, he and his family lived and worked in the area during the first half of the 1900's, when the Rotherhithe was a very different, and much more dangerous place.

Dr Salter's Statue

To say that Dr Alfred Salter deserves to have a statue is something of an understatement, to list just a few of his achievements:

He gave his poorest patients free healthcare, something they weren't entitled to in the back then.

He helped pioneer the NHS (which went on to do rather well).

He was MP for Bermondsey West from 1922 to 1945 (and he never got done for fiddling his expenses).

And if Dr Alfred was impressive, his wife Ada sounds like she was formidable:

She set up social clubs for working class girls in the slums of London.

She set up a beatification committee to improve Bermondsey promoting the planting of trees and flowers and the creation of playgrounds.

Her environmental work helped create the London Green Belt.

She became the first female Mayor in London (she swore Alfred in as MP)

She became president of the women’s National League, which helped progress the rights of workingwomen.

She was basically a cross between Ghandi and Kristy Allsopp

All this must make poor old King Henry III feel very inadequate, but if it's any consolation to him, I couldn't find any evidence of either Alfred or Ada knowing the first thing about Falconry.

In 1902 Ada and Alfred had a little girl, Joyce, and despite them being well off enough to go elsewhere, they thought it right she be educated in Bermondsey with the people they were trying to save. But disease was rife in the area, she developed a very malignant form of scarlet fever, and she died age 8.

Dr Salter and Joyce

The statue of the old man sitting on a bench I remember from my youth was made by Diane Galvin and is called Dr Salter’s daydream. It shows an elderly Dr Salter waving at his daughter Joyce, in Diane's words 'it represents a daydream of an old man remembering happier times when his sunshine was still alive.' Better writers than me have written about Alfred and Ada Salter, and I recommend you give them a read. I've attached a few links below.

Alfred and Joyce Statues

I like Alfred and Ada, and not just because they were good people, great even, but because they sound like they were real characters, people not afraid to stand up for what they believed in. I would have loved to have met them, but sadly, I didn’t even get to see Alfred and Joyce's statues because in 2011 they were stolen, most likely melted down, and all of the efforts of the Salter’s who gave so much to improve Rotherhithe and Bermondsey are commemorated by nothing but a small notice board, a cut up bench and an open can of Strongbow left on its side.

But this is not the end of the story, the Salter spirit lives on, a campaign to reinstate the statues has been running since the theft, and last month, they reached their target of £50,000! And this time there will be a statue of Ada too, so the three of them will be reunited in Rotherhithe again. When it’s completed Ada's statue will be the only public statue of a female politician in London, which sounds like a crazy thing to say in 2014.

Now if you'll excuse me, all this talk of the Salter’s and Cathy the goldfishes have left me feeling emotional, so I’m off to the Angel for a pint of stout. 

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-Alfred-Salter/172662216090405

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Ada-Salter/184825278285812

http://www.salterstatues.co.uk/

http://www.southwark.gov.uk/info/461/a_to_z_of_parks/665/southwark_park/1

SE20 Crystal Palace Park

Hello People

Today my journey across the 28 Districts of South East London takes me to Crystal Palace Park. Not much of a hidden gem I’ll admit, but the sun was shining and my head was throbbing from drinking too many London Prides the night before, so I thought I could probably use the fresh air.

The Crystal Palace Park was built by Sir Joseph Paxton's Crystal Palace Company between 1852 and 1855. The park was built for the relocated and expanded Crystal Palace, a huge iron and glass structure that had housed the 1851 Great Exhibition in Hyde Park.

Sir Joseph Paxton must have been doing cartwheels when the Tender to move the Crystal Palace came up, seeing as he already owned a firm called the Crystal Palace Company.  I bet the guy that owns Crystal windows wishes he’d been a bit quicker off the mark getting his company name registered. Sir Joe took the decision to build his park in an area called Crystal Palace; again it must have seemed like fate.

The Crystal Palace is long gone now, it burned down in 1936, but for me Crystal Palace Park represents everything good about London, it’s steeped in history, and looks like it’s been designed by a 7 year old whose had too many fizzy drinks. There’s dinosaurs, sphinx’s, a Gorilla called Guy, (all statues of course), a maze, a swing park, a lake, scenic walks, bike rides, an athletics track, and a giant statue of Sir Joseph himself who watches over it all like the wizard of Oz, and that’s just scratching the surface.

I spent my first 20 minutes in the Park, strolling by the lake, enjoying the sunshine, and eventually I came to the entrance of the maze. The Crystal Palace Park Maze is famous in its own right, as it is said to be the spot where one of our nation’s greatest institutions was founded, the Girl Guides. The story goes that In 1909 during a Boy Scout rally held in the park, a group of girls approached Robert Baden Powell, the founder of the Scouts, and requested that he set up ‘something for the girls’, I was a cub scout in my younger days and loved it, so I can completely understand why they’d have wanted to get involved. I guess the logical thing would probably have been for Sir Robert to just let the girls join in the game of rounders the boy scouts were playing at the time, but you don’t become a great Briton by taking easy decisions, and Sir Robert came 13^th in a BBC poll for Britain’s Greatest Britain in 2002, so Sir Rob created the girl guides instead. The Crystal Palace Park Maze was completely redesigned and renovated a few years ago to mark the launch of Girlguiding’s Centenary celebrations, so they clearly still agree with his decision and that’s good enough for me.

I remembered hearing years ago that the way to get through a maze is to always keep the wall to your left, armed with this knowledge I boldly stepped in. Walking through the maze I quickly passed a woman in a raincoat walking the opposite way, shortly after her I passed a man and his young son, shortly after them, I passed a trendy looking couple with a small dog. I passed the same people 5 minutes later, and three more times after that in the half hour I spent wondering around the maze. By now I was desperate to be free so I could go to the toilet and have a Tuna and Mayonnaise sandwich, so I stood still for a while and tried to think of a plan, after a moment or two I heard some voices from the other side of the wall, it was the man and his young son.

Son “I’m tired Daddy”

Father “Just keep the wall to our left and we will be out in no time”

Son “You said that ages ago Daddy, I want to go live with mummy”

Their voices faded away, but soon afterwards I heard what I believe were the trendy couple and their dog.

Trendy Man “We just need to keep the wall to our left and we’ll be fine”

Trendy Woman “You keep saying that Lucas but which wall do you mean? There are two of them?”

Trendy Man “Look don’t get sarcastic with me Verity, you were the one who wanted to go through this bloody maze.”

Dog “Grrr”

Trendy Woman “Well you never want to do anything, how can I know what you want if you don’t tell me?”

Trendy man “Well I wanted to spend the weekend at my parents”

Trendy woman “Oh fine, throw that in my face again”

Trendy man “Well you asked”

Trendy woman “Worst day of your life was the day they cut that umbilical cord, wasn’t it Lucas?”

Dog “Grrr”

As their voices faded I sank into despair, fortunately I had my training to fall back on from my days as Cub Scout in Rotherhithe. Using some flat stones as shovels, I dug a tunnel which took me as far as the periphery wall, once there I was able to make a rope out of some leaves, twigs, some of my hair, a few crow feathers and an old rope someone had left lying around. I tied a loop in one end, lassoed a nearby branch, pulled myself to freedom and headed straight to the Crystal Palace Park café for a nice cup of tea and a Tuna Mayonnaise sandwich, but I must admit to feeling guilty about not trying to go back to help anyone else in the maze, I desperately hope that the woman in the raincoat, and the man and his son got out ok, although I suspect that the trendy couple are either dead, or have eaten the dog.

Once I finished my sandwich I was able to start my exploring again, being a 31 year old man on his own I decided not to visit the child’s swing park, it might have looked a bit weird, and I doubt that any of the children in the park would have been strong enough to push me on the swings. Besides as you get older you develop an air of sophistication which stops you from enjoying childish things like swing parks, so instead I ran straight over to see the dinosaurs!

The dinosaurs were designed and sculpted by Benjamin Waterhouse Hawkins under the scientific direction of Sir Richard Owen, representing the latest scientific knowledge at the time. I recommend you download Darwin and the dinosaurs (http://www.audiotrails.co.uk/dinosaurs/) a free online audio guide to your phone to find out about the history of how Hawkins and Owen set about creating the world’s first dinosaur theme park in an age when most of the people who went to see it, would have believed literally in the bible and the story of creation. To those people those models must have been sensational.

I could go on and on about how great this place is, but I’m starting to get hungry again, so if you’ll excuse me, I’m off for another cup of tea and a slice of berry pie.

References

Dulwichonview.org.uk

Urban75.org

http://www.bromley.gov.uk/info/200073/parks_and_open_spaces/780/about_crystal_palace_park/2

http://www.girlguiding.org.uk/about_us/crystal_palace_park_maze.aspx