The Venue, New Cross SE14

Hello people,

The internets least prolific writer is back, and in this post I’ll be telling you all about a place you’ve probably visited many times, and have no interest in returning too. That’s because today, I’m writing about my recent trip to the Venue in New Cross. Most, perhaps all South East Londoners have been to ‘The Big V’ at some point in their lives. Four of my closest friends found their future spouses on those sticky dance floors. One of my mates parents even met at the Venue, back when it was known as the Harp Club. The Venue is without doubt one of the most iconic institutions in SE London. To some, its a joyous theatre of music, dance and new experiences. To others, it’s a sleazy cesspit full of drunks and letch’s, I guess it depends which night of the week you go. 

I have some fond memories of the Venue, like linking arms with my dearest friends (and some of the cheaper ones too) and stamping my feet to 'Come on Eileen'. The George Micheal tribute act who looked like David Baddiel and sounded like Frank Skinner, the snow machine they got out every December, at its time the cutting edge of the immersive club land experience. Sociopathic doormen, giant bottles of Grolsch, the night bus home that literally took all night. Okay, so they weren't all fond memories... 

Since becoming a Father I have found it impossible to find time to take photo's, so instead of a picture of the Venue, here's  an old photo from inside the Venue which I've stolen from a friend's Facebook album.

But for good or bad I'm back, however I'm not here as a desperate attempt to relive my youth, these days my ideal night is a mixture of Tea, Toblarone and Strictly Come Dancing. I'm here because legend has it Oasis played the Venue before they were famous in 1994! It seems that in the days after the Harp Club, and before the Venue became synonymous with bad DJ’s and Baddiel and Skinner tribute acts, it was a champion for indy music and unsigned bands. I've always been a big Oasis fan, so this discovery coupled with the fact that I own a magical adjustable spanner which allows me to travel through time, was too good an opportunity to resist. 

Not knowing how easy it would be to get into the gig I decided to enter the Venue present day first, and work back from there. I had to wait a while to get in as the doors didn't open till 10pm, and I’d arrived just after 4pm to allow for traffic. Eventually the doors opened and after a very thorough body search, I was in. I took my magical spanner out my man-bag, took a moment to ponder why the doorman who searched me hadn't checked my man-bag? Took another moment to ponder whether the man who searched me really was a Venue employee? Then I turned the spanner, and the years fell away. 

Not sure what's going on here? But take my word for it, this photo was definitely taken inside the Venue.

When I arrived, to my surprise, instead of finding myself amidst a throng of mad for it, manc loving mayhem, I was sat on the lap of an extremely well dressed woman, and where the Gallagher brothers should have been, was a giant screen showing Charlie Chaplin sitting in an old cabin eating his shoe with a knife and fork. 

I had once again misused the spanner, and accidentally arrived in the 1920's, when the Venue was a beautiful old fashioned cinema, known then as 'The New Cross Super Kinema.'

Copyrite issues prevent me from showing a photo of the Kinema here, which is a shame. 

I leapt up and apologised to the mortified woman whose lap I had landed on, in a manner fitting of a 1920's gentleman

"My sincerest apologies madam" I said.

"Pervert!" She screamed. 

"Shh" said the man next to her. Horrified to have made such an impression I implored her. 

"Madam, I meant no offence. Perhaps I should explain, I have a magical spanner, and when you fiddle with it, something incredible happens...."  but she never let me finish, instead she struck me with her hand bag. She hit me so hard that most of the pearls on her necklace came off of their string.  

"I'm sorry!" I painfully yelped.  

 "Pervert!" She screamed 

"Shh" said the man next to her. I left the cinema quickly, stopping for a moment in between the blows to admire the beautiful decor. The New Cross Kinema was built in 1925 it survived the Great Depression, the bombs of WWII, and numerous social changes only to be forgotten about and left to turn derelict in the 1960's. Oh well, that's life I guess.

The Kinama possibly looked like this but with less drink and more films.

As I was already here it felt rude not to stick around, so I went upstairs to the New Cross Palais, a dance hall with a live brass band and Warlitzer Organ. This gave me the perfect opportunity to use some of the dance moves I'd learnt watching Strictly Come Dancing. I began with a quick step, which went down well with the watching crowed, who were themselves taking a short break from the dancing. I followed with the Jive, which received a standing ovation and comments like "Fabulous darling." “Saints alive, what a Jive!" “Those hips are thriving, when he gets Jiving!" And so on.

Sadly my Cha Cha Cha was more of a nah, nah, nah. I was told my timing was off, my kicks lacked retraction, and that I’d best Cha Cha chuck it in before I embarrass myself any further. In the end I decided to head home, it was nearly 11 and I was tired. Besides, I had a long bus journey ahead of me. Maybe next time I'll have more luck. So till we meet again readers, keep exploring.

28 Districts.