SE5 - The Camberwell Beauty, Camberwell

Hello people,

Today I'm in Camberwell SE5, visiting my Granddad while he's in King's Hospital, recovering from a nasty fall. As requested I've brought with me a copy of the Evening Standard, a copy of the Irish Times, and a litre and a half bottle of Bells Whiskey, which he assures me he needs for medicinal purposes as the actual medicine they give him doesn't get him drunk quick enough.

I probably shouldn't be encouraging this bad behaviour, but to be honest I feel a little responsible for him being in hospital, as his fall happened while he was rock climbing - a sport he took up after reading my post on the climbing centre at the Old Biscuit Factory in Bermondsey. 

As I was a little early for visiting hours, I thought I'd take a stroll around Ruskin Park while I was here - to look at the flowers and feed the ducks. Being a responsible person I never feed ducks bread, as research has found it's bad for them, so I let the ducks watch me eat the bread instead. I will sometimes devour an entire loaf of Kingsmill Granary while they all gather round me and watch. They obviously get a lot out of it, as do I.

Ruskin Park is a lovely little spot. Records show that it spans an area of 15 hectares, sadly there's no one left in the world who knows how big a hectare is, so the park's size is mystery. Once there, I headed straight to the wildlife pond, sat down on a bench, took a bite from my tuna and mayonnaise sandwich, and started to read the 'Friends of Ruskin Park' leaflet I'd brought with me. The section on the wild life pond read;

'Among the wildlife in the pond are toads, squirrels, and native birds such as Tits, Blue Tits, and Great Tits.'

I put the leaflet down and decided to head over to see Granddad soon. If Rose called I'd find it pretty hard to explain why I was sitting on my own in a park in Camberwell keeping my eye out for any great tits that might go past.

And that's when it happened. It was the strangest thing, a butterfly fluttered up to me, hovered for a moment, and then came to rest on my shoulder. I couldn't believe it, and my surprise wasn't going to end there. Because on inspection, I realised that this butterfly was none other than the famous Camberwell Beauty.

The Camberwell Beauty can be recognised by its beautiful dark wings with light borders. It was first discovered close by, in Cold Harbour Lane in 1748 - hence the name. Perhaps because of it's pretty wings, and possibly because no other animal has ever been discovered in Camberwell*, the Camberwell Beauty has become the symbol for this part of SE London, with roads, a chemist and a shopping centre named in its honour.

Like so many of the SE London's population the CB is actually an immigrant- living in Europe and Scandinavia and only very rarely making the trip to the UK. Many local people have tried breeding them, but for whatever reason, they never seem to hang around for long. So if you see one like I did, it's a real treat.

The Wild Life Pond

I took a look around the park, and saw no one, which is strange in such a built up area. For a moment it was just me and the Camberwell Beauty resting on my shoulder. It was magical in a way. We stared at each other for a while, neither of us really knowing what to say. Then for no reason I can think of, my eyes moved up, and I saw a figure - a tall man I think - wearing a long dark coat, and a black hat walking across the park.

“I think I know that man?” I said to the butterfly.

He moved steadily, and slowly, with a slight pause in between each step, like a bride walking up the isle, towards a man she stopped loving many years ago. As he got closer I could see that he was holding a large net which draped from his fingers.

"He must be a butterfly collector," I said to the butterfly. "You'd best be careful or you'll end up hanging on his wall inside a picture frame."

The butterfly shuffled it's wings slightly, but decided it would stand it's ground instead. I stood watching him for a while, and then my heart skipped a beat, my breath quickened and I said to the butterfly, “My God, that’s the man I met in Lesnes Abbey last year!”

The butterfly stared at me blankly.

The Flower Garden

“I was investigating the 2014 arson attack on the Cutty Sark. He told me my life was in danger and that I should meet him in East Street market if I wanted answers, but he never showed. Instead he sent a courier to tell me to forget about the investigation. I tried to get more information out of her, but she turned out to be a real psychopath. She nearly broke my spine with a Judo throw when I tried to ask her to talk to me! I think we should follow him, and find out what he’s up to. Are you with me?”

The butterfly flapped his wings, flew off of my shoulder and into the flower garden for a bite to eat around the roses.


“Suit yourself!” I shouted, and with that. I gave chase.

*In the summer of 1994 a man called Steve 'Spliffy' Stevens claimed to have discovered a leprechaun in Camberwell high street while walking home from his friend's house at 4am. The leprechaun was later found to be a garden gnome someone had left outside the charity shop.

SE2 - Abbey Wood

Hello people,

Today I'm in Abbey Wood SE2, but you'd never have guessed it to look around the place. That's because there's no trees, no semi-detached houses, or multi-storey buildings, there isn't even a Co-op! There's only water as far as the eye can see, and of course there's me, gently bobbing along the top of it. Before you ask, the banks of the Thames haven't burst, and I didn't accidentally get off the wrong bus stop and wander into the Charlton lido. The reason Abbey Wood is submerged under water is that I've used my magical adjustable spanner to travel back in time, to approximately 54.5 million years ago to a time known as the late Palaeocene, early Eocene period when the earth was very warm, and much more of it was covered by the sea. Eventually the plankton - which will have thrived in these warm wet conditions - will absorb most of the world’s carbon dioxide. This will cool the earth and propel it into an ice age, but as that's not for another 51.9 million years, I haven't bothered bringing a coat with me.

In fact I've brought very little on this particular adventure, just a pen and paper, my magic spanner (of course), a pair of speedos (no need to be bashful when it's just you and the plankton), an inflatable lilo to float on, a jug filled with mojito (which is going down nicely), a glass and a bendy straw. I chose to visit the late Palaeocene, early Eocene period because it seemed like a really good place to soak up the sun, and just chill. It's not perfect of course, there's nowhere to top up your mojito jug, and the wifi signal is terrible, but it really is a nice little getaway.

The ruins of Lesnes Abbey in Abbey Wood - as it is today

A friendly monk I met outside the abbey one day - quiet fellow, but nice

Beneath me the tropical sea is teeming with life, there are turtles, clams, angel sharks (which sound friendly) and sand sharks (which I assume eat sand). In about 54.49 million years - when the worst of the ice age will have passed - the ice will clear and the land that used to be at the bottom of this sea will start to resemble the Abbey Wood we know today. If you don't believe me then go see for yourself by heading to Lesnes Abbey Wood and visiting the area signposted 'The Fossil Bed.' There you'll find a specially designated area where members of the public can dig for the fossils of the sea creatures that once ruled Abbey Wood. People have found all sorts of things from crocodile bones to sharks teeth. Head down yourself and see what you can find! Just remember the site rules...

1. You’re not allowed to remove more than 2 kgs of material from the site, so please leave your JCB at home.
2. Please do not dig more than 2 feet, which seems obvious but I have to mention as my blog is very popular with miners for some reason.
3. Please refill any large or deep holes, otherwise the site will keep getting deeper and deeper till it’s just a giant well.
4. For large group booking please contact Parks and Open Spaces at least one week prior to your visit, or in other words – no raves.

Unfortunately the site is currently under construction while they improve the footpath to the fossil bed, however I assure you it will be worth the wait (don't forget I can travel into the future). While we're waiting we can still enjoy the ruins of the ancient abbey, the wild-life, and the blue bell Lesnes Abbey Wood has to offer. I'll let you know as soon as the new improved fossil pit opens!

The blue bells of Lesnes Abbey

Well I’d better go now, an angel shark has smelt my mojito and is now trying to bite a hole in the lilo to get a sip – maybe they’re not so friendly after all. Still at least there’s only one of them. Oh wait there’s another, and another, and another…

I think I’m going to need a bigger inflatable lilo…