SE5 Camberwell continued

Hello People,

Apologies for the long gap between posts, but since we last spoke I’ve been kidnapped, escaped, and have been on the run ever since to ensure my magical adjustable spanner doesn’t fall into the hands of those who would use it for evil. Let me start at the beginning… 

You may remember I ended my last blog hot on the trail of my nemesis 'the tall man.' I'd spotted him in Ruskin Park, Camberwell carrying a large net, and I signed off my blog as I was following him into a secluded walkway. It doesn't take a huge leap of imagination to guess what happened next. Once away from the public view, he cast his net and snared me like Captain Birdseye would a fish finger. Then with the help of his evil side kick (who must have been hiding in the walkway the whole time) dragged me somewhere secluded. 

The Walkway at Ruskin Park

I must be honest readers I was a little hurt that no one enquired after my welfare when I've been missing for more than 4 months, but to avoid an argument I'm willing believe that you all assumed I had the whole thing under control, and have been waiting patiently by your screens for this installment. Now let me try to remember what happened next. I think I spoke, oh no wait, the tall man spoke first. Yes that's right, I remember he shouted. "Hand over the device!"

"Is that prison slang?” I asked “I'm not handing you anything, let me go you perverts!" His evil side kick, kicked me in the side. The irony was not lost on me. 

He went on... "The device, the special contraption, I demand you give it to me." 

It took me a moment to speak as her kick had knocked the wind out of me. "What device? Who are you both?" I asked.

Regaining his composure, he raised himself to full height and gestured like a prince announcing himself at court "I am Ptolomy Tobias Archimedes Octavian Montague-Fitzwilliam, and this is Vanessa.” The petit blond next to him growled at me. I twisted and turned to get free from his net, but the more I struggled the tighter it became. 

"What do you want with me?" I yelled.

The tall man removed a silver cigarette case from his coat pocket and placed one of the long thin cigarettes to his lips, out of his other pocket he removed an old fashioned lighter which produced a flame almost as long as his head. With one graceful movement he parted his knee length Mac and lowered his face towards mine, his words hung in the air as long as the cloud of smoke that accompanied them. "We want your time machine." 

I gasped, "You mean my magical adjustable time travelling spanner? What do you want with it?"

His eyes darkened in the fog. "That you need to ask proves why you don’t deserve to be custodian of such an object. You hold all the power in the world and all you can think to do with it is make your pathetic field trips through time and write your ridiculous stories." Vanessa growled again.

Secluded Area in Ruskin Park (Ooh spooky)

I spoke "But it's a magical time travelling spanner, what would you use it for except to learn about history?" 

He took another pull of his cigarette. "To change history. To make history. Remove certain people from time. Acquire their works for myself.”

I spoke again "Remove? Acquire? Change history? But that would break Doc Browns time travel law that you should never do anything that alters the future, it’s a code every good time traveller adheres to!" Suddenly a truly terrible thought occurred to me "Great Scotts! You're planning on stealing other writer’s works and passing them off as your own in order to create a super blog! One that no other blogger could compete with! The best blog in south east London!” 

An evil grin crossed his face which made him look like the Grinch moments before he stole Christmas, and he said "Not just south east London; the world.”

"But I thought you wanted to help me with my investigation into the Cutty Sark fire?" 

The tall man’s temper rose again and he said "You fool, the fire was clearly an accident, I've been tracking down the device for years. I needed to be sure you had the time machine before making my move. The mysterious meetings, having you chase Vanessa around south east London, the whole thing was an elaborate rue so we could keep an eye on you and make certain you were the time machines guardian." 

I gasped "You mean you were secretly spying on me while I was secretly spying on you?" 

He took another pull on his cigarette and let the smoke drift into my face. "In a word; yes" he said.

"You fiend!" I yelled and desperately struggled to get free. Finally the tall man turned to his accomplice and said "Beat him up Vanessa and find out what he knows." 

By now Vanessa was nothing more than a snarling beast, she approached me like a rabid dog that had just caught a cat he already disliked in bed with his wife. My only chance to get away was to try to reach inside my back pack for my magic spanner. Luckily the tall man and Vanessa hadn't thought to search me. I reached inside, fumbled around, and with seconds to spare before her fist connected with my nose, I grabbed the spanner and twisted the screw. I was instantly free from the net, and although still in Ruskin park, in a different time altogether. After a quick look around to get my bearings I saw building work going on at the site where Kings Hospital stands, so I must have been in 1913 when the hospital was first built.

The Park in 2016

Kings Hospital originally opened in 1840 in Holborn, central London. It was used as a training facility for the medical students of Kings College London. 1840's Holborn was one of London's most overcrowded slums, with most of its residents far too poor to afford medical care, so this new free hospital proved to be very popular. In fact it was so popular that within two years of opening it was treating 1290 patents in 120 beds, with patients often having to share!

This arrangement seemed to suit everyone until sometime in the early 1900's when one day, patients simply stopped coming to Kings Hospital. Student doctors were suddenly left with nothing to do, so for a while they examined and when necessary, operated on each other. Once they'd exhausted that avenue they walked around Holborn, stopping passers by and asking them if they'd like any medical care? Pretty soon it became impossible to walk down the streets of Holborn without 6 or 7 junior doctors trying to take your pulse and a urine sample from you. But why? Where had all the poor sick people gone? The tabloid press claimed that poor people were too lazy to go to hospital and get treated, and would rather slowly die then get better and get a job. The Government of the time said foreigners where definitely to blame, but weren't sure how or why.

What had actually happened was far more straightforward. As London expanded, the areas around its centre such as Holborn, became more desirable. With that came the inevitable rises in rent, overcrowding in schools, and irritating new parents with ridiculously over complicated push chairs moving in. When this happened, the poor simply moved away.

To combat this Kings was relocated to Camberwell in 1909 where a dense population, coupled with a high volume of Morley’s Chicken shops selling tasty nutrition light, saturated fat heavy food, ensured the hospital would have plenty of patients for years to come. Today Kings serves a population 700,000, and in certain areas that they specialise in, millions of people in southern England.

So there you have it, that’s my story, and I’ve spent the last few months travelling through time to avoid the tall man and Vanessa. I must do all I can to stop the spanner falling into their evil hands. But don’t worry loyal readers (all three of you) I’ll still post my adventures, assuming I’m not killed in the meantime.

SE5 - The Camberwell Beauty, Camberwell

Hello people,

Today I'm in Camberwell SE5, visiting my Granddad while he's in King's Hospital, recovering from a nasty fall. As requested I've brought with me a copy of the Evening Standard, a copy of the Irish Times, and a litre and a half bottle of Bells Whiskey, which he assures me he needs for medicinal purposes as the actual medicine they give him doesn't get him drunk quick enough.

I probably shouldn't be encouraging this bad behaviour, but to be honest I feel a little responsible for him being in hospital, as his fall happened while he was rock climbing - a sport he took up after reading my post on the climbing centre at the Old Biscuit Factory in Bermondsey. 

As I was a little early for visiting hours, I thought I'd take a stroll around Ruskin Park while I was here - to look at the flowers and feed the ducks. Being a responsible person I never feed ducks bread, as research has found it's bad for them, so I let the ducks watch me eat the bread instead. I will sometimes devour an entire loaf of Kingsmill Granary while they all gather round me and watch. They obviously get a lot out of it, as do I.

Ruskin Park is a lovely little spot. Records show that it spans an area of 15 hectares, sadly there's no one left in the world who knows how big a hectare is, so the park's size is mystery. Once there, I headed straight to the wildlife pond, sat down on a bench, took a bite from my tuna and mayonnaise sandwich, and started to read the 'Friends of Ruskin Park' leaflet I'd brought with me. The section on the wild life pond read;

'Among the wildlife in the pond are toads, squirrels, and native birds such as Tits, Blue Tits, and Great Tits.'

I put the leaflet down and decided to head over to see Granddad soon. If Rose called I'd find it pretty hard to explain why I was sitting on my own in a park in Camberwell keeping my eye out for any great tits that might go past.

And that's when it happened. It was the strangest thing, a butterfly fluttered up to me, hovered for a moment, and then came to rest on my shoulder. I couldn't believe it, and my surprise wasn't going to end there. Because on inspection, I realised that this butterfly was none other than the famous Camberwell Beauty.

The Camberwell Beauty can be recognised by its beautiful dark wings with light borders. It was first discovered close by, in Cold Harbour Lane in 1748 - hence the name. Perhaps because of it's pretty wings, and possibly because no other animal has ever been discovered in Camberwell*, the Camberwell Beauty has become the symbol for this part of SE London, with roads, a chemist and a shopping centre named in its honour.

Like so many of the SE London's population the CB is actually an immigrant- living in Europe and Scandinavia and only very rarely making the trip to the UK. Many local people have tried breeding them, but for whatever reason, they never seem to hang around for long. So if you see one like I did, it's a real treat.

The Wild Life Pond

I took a look around the park, and saw no one, which is strange in such a built up area. For a moment it was just me and the Camberwell Beauty resting on my shoulder. It was magical in a way. We stared at each other for a while, neither of us really knowing what to say. Then for no reason I can think of, my eyes moved up, and I saw a figure - a tall man I think - wearing a long dark coat, and a black hat walking across the park.

“I think I know that man?” I said to the butterfly.

He moved steadily, and slowly, with a slight pause in between each step, like a bride walking up the isle, towards a man she stopped loving many years ago. As he got closer I could see that he was holding a large net which draped from his fingers.

"He must be a butterfly collector," I said to the butterfly. "You'd best be careful or you'll end up hanging on his wall inside a picture frame."

The butterfly shuffled it's wings slightly, but decided it would stand it's ground instead. I stood watching him for a while, and then my heart skipped a beat, my breath quickened and I said to the butterfly, “My God, that’s the man I met in Lesnes Abbey last year!”

The butterfly stared at me blankly.

The Flower Garden

“I was investigating the 2014 arson attack on the Cutty Sark. He told me my life was in danger and that I should meet him in East Street market if I wanted answers, but he never showed. Instead he sent a courier to tell me to forget about the investigation. I tried to get more information out of her, but she turned out to be a real psychopath. She nearly broke my spine with a Judo throw when I tried to ask her to talk to me! I think we should follow him, and find out what he’s up to. Are you with me?”

The butterfly flapped his wings, flew off of my shoulder and into the flower garden for a bite to eat around the roses.


“Suit yourself!” I shouted, and with that. I gave chase.

*In the summer of 1994 a man called Steve 'Spliffy' Stevens claimed to have discovered a leprechaun in Camberwell high street while walking home from his friend's house at 4am. The leprechaun was later found to be a garden gnome someone had left outside the charity shop.

SE2 - Abbey Wood

Hello people,

Today I'm in Abbey Wood SE2, but you'd never have guessed it to look around the place. That's because there's no trees, no semi-detached houses, or multi-storey buildings, there isn't even a Co-op! There's only water as far as the eye can see, and of course there's me, gently bobbing along the top of it. Before you ask, the banks of the Thames haven't burst, and I didn't accidentally get off the wrong bus stop and wander into the Charlton lido. The reason Abbey Wood is submerged under water is that I've used my magical adjustable spanner to travel back in time, to approximately 54.5 million years ago to a time known as the late Palaeocene, early Eocene period when the earth was very warm, and much more of it was covered by the sea. Eventually the plankton - which will have thrived in these warm wet conditions - will absorb most of the world’s carbon dioxide. This will cool the earth and propel it into an ice age, but as that's not for another 51.9 million years, I haven't bothered bringing a coat with me.

In fact I've brought very little on this particular adventure, just a pen and paper, my magic spanner (of course), a pair of speedos (no need to be bashful when it's just you and the plankton), an inflatable lilo to float on, a jug filled with mojito (which is going down nicely), a glass and a bendy straw. I chose to visit the late Palaeocene, early Eocene period because it seemed like a really good place to soak up the sun, and just chill. It's not perfect of course, there's nowhere to top up your mojito jug, and the wifi signal is terrible, but it really is a nice little getaway.

The ruins of Lesnes Abbey in Abbey Wood - as it is today

A friendly monk I met outside the abbey one day - quiet fellow, but nice

Beneath me the tropical sea is teeming with life, there are turtles, clams, angel sharks (which sound friendly) and sand sharks (which I assume eat sand). In about 54.49 million years - when the worst of the ice age will have passed - the ice will clear and the land that used to be at the bottom of this sea will start to resemble the Abbey Wood we know today. If you don't believe me then go see for yourself by heading to Lesnes Abbey Wood and visiting the area signposted 'The Fossil Bed.' There you'll find a specially designated area where members of the public can dig for the fossils of the sea creatures that once ruled Abbey Wood. People have found all sorts of things from crocodile bones to sharks teeth. Head down yourself and see what you can find! Just remember the site rules...

1. You’re not allowed to remove more than 2 kgs of material from the site, so please leave your JCB at home.
2. Please do not dig more than 2 feet, which seems obvious but I have to mention as my blog is very popular with miners for some reason.
3. Please refill any large or deep holes, otherwise the site will keep getting deeper and deeper till it’s just a giant well.
4. For large group booking please contact Parks and Open Spaces at least one week prior to your visit, or in other words – no raves.

Unfortunately the site is currently under construction while they improve the footpath to the fossil bed, however I assure you it will be worth the wait (don't forget I can travel into the future). While we're waiting we can still enjoy the ruins of the ancient abbey, the wild-life, and the blue bell Lesnes Abbey Wood has to offer. I'll let you know as soon as the new improved fossil pit opens!

The blue bells of Lesnes Abbey

Well I’d better go now, an angel shark has smelt my mojito and is now trying to bite a hole in the lilo to get a sip – maybe they’re not so friendly after all. Still at least there’s only one of them. Oh wait there’s another, and another, and another…

I think I’m going to need a bigger inflatable lilo…

SE1 - Shad Thames Part 2

Hello people,

I'm still in Shad Thames SE1 and I've been using my magical adjustable spanner - which allows me to travel through time - to see how the area has changed throughout the years. During my time travels I visited the early 1900's when Shad Thames was a thriving dockyard, filled with traders, sailors and boats bringing in cargo from all over the world. It was the Amazon of it's day, only with longer waiting times and you had to buy in bulk. I watched the busy dockers move barrels of spices, wheat, tea, etc. across the walkways overhead into the huge warehouses where they were stored for sale. Incidentally, when these warehouses first became flats in the 1980's they were named after the goods that were stored in them - Vanilla & Sesame Court was where they kept the vanilla and sesame, Tea Trade Wharf was where they kept the tea, and Butlers Wharf was where they kept the Butlers. It was claimed by many of the first residents that the scents of the spices had infused into the bricks, and they could clearly smell the scent that each building was named after when they first moved in. In case you’re wondering, Butlers wharf smelt of Brute aftershave. Classy.

Shad Thames - the bridges over head were used
by dockers to shift goods between warehouses

As I watched this thriving industry, I couldn't help but wonder if there might be a way I could make a few quid while I was here too. Strictly speaking it’s against the rules to profit from time travel in case you accidentally change time and end up in an insane world where Leicester are Premier League Champions, Donald Trump is President of the USA and people only eat, sleep and exercise when their watches tell them too. So if I was going to do it, I'd have to be really sneaky, this is what I did...

I journeyed back to 2016, and had a look on Wikipedia to see if any famous people had ever lived or worked in Shad Thames. I then had a look on eBay to see whose autographs fetched the most money. After a little research I discovered that Charles Dickens had spent some time there while researching one of his novels. I forget the name of it, but it's the one about a little orphan who has an adventure. I think it's called Annie...

Anyway it turns out that Charles Dickens signed memorabilia is worth an absolute fortune, so I grabbed my copy of 'A Christmas Carol' - longest song ever by the way - plus a few other bits and pieces, gave the old spanner a quick twist, and found myself in 1836 standing by the river Thames waiting for Charles Dickens to show up. However, I hadn't gone to Shad Thames this time - Shad Thames was nothing more than a cobbled street back then. The area I'd come to find the great man, was Jacobs Island just a stones throw away....

'Every repulsive lineament of poverty, every loathsome indication of filth, rot, and garbage; all these ornament the banks of Jacobs Island.'

These are the words Charles Dickens used to describe the horror that was Jacobs Island. It's the place he chose to be the home of Bill Sikes in his story Oliver Twist, and it's where Sikes - while on the run from the mob - eventually seals his own fate. Dickens' description of the living conditions on Jacobs Island caused a lot of controversy when it was published. Many where horrified, some simply refused to believe that the place he described was anything other than a work of fiction. Sir Peter Laurie - the former Mayor of London - said publicly that the location was a work of imagination, and that no place by that name, or like it, had ever existed, but existed it had. Jacobs Island had gotten its name by being surrounded by ditches which - according to a social researcher of the time - were 'Harbouring masses of rotting weed, animal carcasses and dead fish' these ditches were the local inhabitants only source of fresh water. 

I looked around at the hardships the people of Jacobs Island had to endure, and I made a promise to myself that when I got back to 2016, I’d do more to help those a less fortunate then myself. When I awoke from my thoughts I looked across the ditch to see a well dressed man with a shabby beard, carrying a cane, walking through the heavy London fog with his note book in his hand, writing as he walked. The man was of course, Charles Dickens.

I introduced myself as a fan and asked him for his autograph, he smiled and said, "My dear fellow, I'm always happy to oblige an admirer of one's work," so I handed him my copy of ‘A Christmas Carol’ kindle edition. After he'd signed it I asked if he wouldn’t mind signing a few more things for me, and I took all the Charles Dickens memorabilia out of my bag, the CD of the soundtrack to Oliver! the musical, the BBC dramatization of Bleak House, Scrooge on VHS, in fact I’d brought so many things that he was probably there for over an hour signing stuff.

During the hour we were together, I got the impression that Charles was a man with a lot on his plate. He was constantly sighing and saying things like, "I've actually got quite a lot to do today...." and, "I really must get back to my work soon..." to which I would nod my head sympathetically before handing him another copy of 'Great Expectations' the audio book narrated by Hugh Laurie to sign.

As I said, after about an hour he muttered something about not having all day to stand around, and made to go. He clearly hadn't realised that I still had a few more things left for him to sign. So, before he could leave, I quickly called out, "Excuse me Mr Dickens." 

To my surprise he spun around and practically shouted at me, "What do you want now?!" 

I was a little taken aback. He'd seemed so friendly an hour ago. I can't think what I might have done to annoy him? I held up the 'A Tale of two cities' DVD staring Gwyneth Paltrow and very politely said, "Please sir, I want some more." 

A look of fury flashed across his face, "What!?" He cried "More!?"

After that he totally lost the plot, and chased me around Jacobs Island trying to hit me with his walking cane. Fortunately I was able to escape just in time by twisting my magical spanner. Unfortunately I left all my signed memorabilia back in 1836. Oh well easy come, easy go, I guess it's true what they say - you should never meet your heroes. What a primadonna!

I'm still going to make good on my promise to help out people less fortunate then myself by sponsoring my friends Damo and Gav Wynne. They're going to run the London Marathon dressed as Smurfs to raise money for helper dogs for children and young people who are blind or partially sighted. If you'd like to donate money for this great cause, or if you just think that two unfit blokes dressed as Smurfs running the London marathon is funny, I've put their just giving link on the my Facebook page.

I'll be back somewhere new next time, see you later people!

SE1 - Shad Thames, Part 1

Hello People, 

Today I'm taking a stroll through Shad Thames. To my right are lines of restaurants and bars filled with tourists and those feeling a little flush. Some are greedily tucking into their lobster thermidor, others are enjoying a sociable pint after another hard week in the city. To my left is that beautiful old muddy brown river - the Thames, and in front of me is a paved path scattered with huge iron sculptures. Some resemble giant human heads, some look like parts of a broken ship, while others look like absolutely nothing at all. 

Walking around here is a wonderful way to spend an evening, although if I'm honest not particularly exciting. What I need is a bit of adventure so I can write about it in my blog. Fortunately I have a magical adjustable spanner which allows me to travel through time. My wife Rosie - who you will remember works at the British Museum making sure the Mummies don't escape from their crypts at night - won it in the annual BM summer clear-out raffle a few years back. Rosie herself is far too busy with her work, baking and floristry commitments for time travel, and had only bought a ticket out of politeness and the hope of winning the 5th century Ming Dynasty Vase, so she gave the magic spanner to me.

Now that I think about it, having a magical adjustable spanner which allows you to travel through time is quite a unique selling point for a blogger, and I can't think why I've never mentioned it before. Let's give it a twist and see what happens...

Shad Thames

One small turn of the screw and the years simply roll away. When they stop I find myself in a time before the bars, before the restaurants, and even before Nando's, to a time when Shad Thames was a bunch of derelict warehouses next to an abandoned dockyard. As I write, I see a group of men in sharp suits walking along the docks with their cameras and note pads. I assume these to be the developers who would later make Shad Thames what it is today; so I must be in the late 80s, early 90's. As the men get closer I realise I'm right, as leading the pack, dictating while others write notes; is Sir Terrance Conran. Sir Terrance is the man who had the vision to regenerate the docks, an incredibly powerful individual with an impressive business empire including the furniture giants Habitat and Heal’s. He seems in his element walking along the docks, but wait what’s this? A woman has joined the group, and she doesn't look happy. In fact she's started arguing with Sir Terrance and the developers. I do believe she's none other than the great Maggie Blake! She was a local protester who fought the Shad Thames developers over access rights to the south bank of the river. Maggie and her supporters believed that everyone should be free to walk along and enjoy the Thames, the developers however thought access should only be for paying customers, and the wealthy private residence. Maggie and her supporters fought a great campaign and - against the odds - won! In the London we know in 2016 the ally that leads from Shad Thames to the riverside is named 'Maggie Blakes Cause' in honour of her.

I'm so happy to have seen Maggie, I think I'll go talk to her. She's a true SE London hero, and besides it will be great to hear from a woman for a change, British history is an absolute sausage fest. But wait, things seem to be getting quite heated between Maggie and the developers, in fact she's punched one of them, and now she's reaching for a lump of drift wood that's washed up on the docks and she's swinging it around like a baseball bat. Most of the developers have ran away, but old Conran has grabbed a piece of wood too and it looks like he's getting ready to make a fight of it! But, oh no! Conran’s famous creativity has gotten the better of him, he's become distracted by the natural beauty of the wood and he's trying to make the frame for a chez lounge out of it. Maggie looks like she's getting ready to take a big swing... For God’s sake defend yourself man, you haven't time for this creative expression!...

Oh well I guess I'll leave them to it. I'm not done with Shad Thames yet, but I'm getting close to my word count so you're probably all starting to lose interest and wondering if any of your friends or your friends' friends have updated their Facebook status yet. So I'll finish the rest of my story next week. Till then I might as well hang around in the nineties, so I'm off for a Wimpy and a game of Sonic the Hedge Hog.

Laters.