SE7 - Horn Park Fair

Hello People,

Earlier this week I was at the weddings of four great friends, John and Karen, and Reyn and Filize. Both weddings were uniquely brilliant. Both only slightly spoiled by my attempts at the Macarena, and cat like screaming of 'Don't stop believing' on the dance floor. Because of this I've returned to the place I was married in the summer of 2012, Charlton House SE7.

Built in 1607-12 It's a beautiful red brick Jacobean building with a walled garden and lots of flowers and plants which include a mulberry tree; thought to be one of the oldest in the country.

Charlton House.

Charlton House.

The inside of Charlton a House is no less impressive with its ornate fire places, hand crafted timber staircase, stained windows and ornate stonework depicting coats of arms and royal mottos. In the great hall there's a very impressive dance floor, which in 2012 I drunkenly slid across moments before my new wife launched herself at me, as Bill Medley’s classic 'I've had the time of my life' pumped out the DJ's loud speakers.

The Great Hall at Charlton House.

Charlton House is situated in Horn Park which - legend has it - got its name in scandalous circumstances. The story dates back to 12^th century when, on the 18^th of October, after riding through the woods, the young King John stumbled upon an old mill. Having lost his way, he rode up to the mill to ask for directions. Once there he found the miller to be out, but his rather attractive wife – who the miller had left home alone with nothing more than a few bags of flour to keep her company – was more than happy to offer the handsome young king any assistance he required.

One thing led to another, and before you can say 'rising agent' they were clinging to each other like wet dough to the side of a bowl. Trouble was neither of them realised that the miller had finished his milling early, and when he walked through the door he literally caught them with their pants down.

It is of course, impossible for us to really know what happened that day. But it probably went something like this...

Miller "Oi! What's your game?!"

Millers Wife "It's not what you think Bill, he was lost in the woods!"

Miller "Lost in the woods?! He'll lose more than his way in a minute!"

King, covering his decency with a near-by chocolate eclair

King John "Now, now my good man. I assure you this is all a misunderstanding."

Miller produces a knife from his belt

Miller "I'll give you a misunderstanding mate."
King John "Oh my."

Millers Wife "I'm sorry Bill. He told me he was a king. He promised to take me up the West End so I could see his Crown Jewels!"

King John  "Oh dear!"

Miller "Did he now? I'll pulverise his cream crackers with my rolling pin!"

King John "Crumbs!"

Miller "I'll chop off his plumbs and put em in a pie!"

King John "Oh my Royal lineage! I beg you my man! Think of your country, I'm yet to produce an heir!"

Miller "You should have thought of that before you produced your family tree before my missus!"

This went on for a while. Luckily King John was able to prove to the Miller that he really was a King, by showing him his face on a 50p coin. He then begged the Miller to let him keep his Royal Sceptre, and offered him a big chunk of his land in Charlton if he forgave his wife and let him go.

To sweeten the deal King John told the Miller that he could hold an annual fair every year on the 18^th of October on his new land; which would be a real money spinner for him. The Miller still wasn’t happy but he liked the idea of being rich, so he accepted the deal. It’s thought the Millers land came to be known as Horn Park because horns are the symbol of the cuckolded husband.

A painting of King John signing the Deeds of Horn Park
over to the Miller - on display at Charlton House.

Well people the 18^th of October is just days away, and what better way to celebrate this sordid affair then to head down to Charlton House for the Horn Fair Revival! There will be talks on the history of Charlton House, a children’s architectural treasure hunt, food, drink, music, activities and workshops which may or may not involve getting frisky with a miller's wife.

The fun starts at 10am this Sunday 18th October, and carry's on till 4pm. See you there people!

That's how its done Swayze!